Ever see mansions or Mercedes-Benz and wish that you were a millionaire and could buy those things? Do you scoff at the old saying that ‘Money can’t buy happiness’? Do you want to not only keep up with the Joneses, but leave them eating your dust? If so, thank your lucky stars because you’ve just found the perfect article!
The 10 Steps to Become a Millionaire
Below are ten easy ways to become a millionaire. They are fast, require little work, and are guaranteed to make you rich.* So stop feeling sorry for yourself and go get ‘em, tiger!
*Some conditions apply.
1. Go for the gold!
Literally, go find some gold. I mean, it’s worth a lot, so it will make you rich in no time flat. Why do you think California is the richest state in the union? The gold rush of ’49, of course! Helpful items when searching for gold include, but are not limited to: sifters, metal detectors, and pirate treasure maps (silly pirates, they should have just put their money in a bank and let the interest accrue). Once you have your gold, sell it immediately! We all know that shiny metals have no intrinsic value, but the stock market analysts seem to have other ideas. Show them how wrong they are!
2. Start up your career
Mark Zuckerberg’s baby is probably richer than you are, and Mark’s a college drop out. So what are you waiting for? Drop out of college, get some investors to back up your awesome tech idea, and get ready to roll in the dough. You don’t actually need to run a business, just have a simple idea. Hire analysts, business majors, accountants, and social media experts to do all the work for you. Stop wasting time wherever you are and get out there, now!
3. Inherit the riches of the earth
Face it. Your parents are holding back on you. How much money does it take to stay alive these days? Not much. Why? Because the government will take care of you. Not you, you, but your parents. Now I want you to demand all the money they have saved up for retirement, and transfer it to you posthaste. They’ll be fine, but you won’t if they don’t. And frankly, they owe it to you. I mean, who made those cute faces and said adorable nonsense? You, as a baby, that’s who. You just can’t hire that kind of talented entertainment. But did they pay you anything for that? I don’t think so! What kind of horrible people are they, expecting pro bono work all the way up till you turned 18? That breaks so many child labor laws, you could sue them. And do it, if they don’t cough up the cash. Just make sure your parents aren’t dirt poor already. Get some that have lots of money.
4. In it to win it
Now what are you doing, sitting at your phone or computer, reading this? Get up and get to your nearest gas station! Do you know how much money the power ball will get you? Enough to buy a small island, that’s how much! It’s like a no-brainer. I don’t know why the millionaires out there don’t go and buy up as many tickets as they can, but their stupidity is your luck. Now go out, buy your ticket! Or you could get down to Vegas, stay in a fancy hotel, and bet, bet, bet like your life depended on it! Bring the whole family so you can cover more ground! What place is more family oriented than Las Vegas, anyway?
5. Just do it!
Those people at Nike, they’re geniuses. No wonder all of their employees are millionaires with mad sports skills. Get a job with them. But if you don’t make it past the first interview, never fear! Buy a pair of their shoes and become a pro-athlete! They make the big bucks! Michael Jordan, in retirement, still makes more money than your whole extended family. So be the rich, eccentric uncle/aunt you always wished you had, and spoil those nephews and nieces (just watch out for your own kids, see #3).
6. Sing your heart out
#5 not working out for you? Then upload a video of yourself singing in the shower and you’ll be contacted by recording studios in no time! With auto tune, they can make anyone into a superstar! Just look at Justin Beiber.
7. Pot of Gold
Live in a state where marijuana isn’t legal? Then there are citizens clamoring for an untapped market. Or you could choose any other drug. The important thing is to give the people what they want. That’s what I call community service.
8. Kickstart your career
The internet makes these things so easy. Just go to Go Fund Me and make up a sob story like your rosebush having cancer. Then wait for the money to flow in. You’ll be a millionaire in no time. ‘Nuff said.
10. Know thyself
What could be more important than knowing your own identity? Stealing one, of course. Think of all the money you could make when someone carelessly leaves their computer open, their cellphone on the bench, their taxes in the mail, or uses a silly password like 1234? You can make bank while still teaching someone a valuable life lesson. It’s win-win.
Wondering where #9 went? Ask Microsoft. I’m still waiting for Window 9. But while we wait, start implementing these suggestions to be a millionaire. And if they work out for you, don’t forget the source of your wisdom. I’d love a cut of the profits. After all, this article did take a ton of research (and so far, nothing’s paid out yet). Thanks for reading.